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Level 5 Blank Slate
Ranked as Civilian
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I'll start with some good news. I recently became a supporter, with a 1 year membership. It's something I've meant to do for a long time now, and I'm finally able to contribute to such an amazing community. Plus, no more ads.
Now onto me venting...
I haven't posted anything in a while, and there's a few factors affecting this.
1. I have a job, giving me money to buy a new laptop and Ableton. This sounds like a good thing, and in the long run it most definitely is. However, I'm still getting used to the workflow and I don't have as much time as I'd like to just work on learning the software. Everything I'm working on right now is kinda shit, and it's not the most encouraging feeling.
2. Back to that first one, I have a job. Pros: Money. Cons: Less time to work on stuff. It would be okay, except that...
3. I have this fucking online course that I'm taking, and it sucks. I've always hated online courses because they play right into my procrastination mindset. Right now I'm behind and I need to work on it every single goddamned night for a couple hours, cutting into time I could be doing some worthwhile shit like practing piano or writing music (you know, what I want to do as a career for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE). I wouldn't even care that much, except that it's a required course and I can't graduate if I don't finish it.
4. I hesitate to put this one on here, but I figure maybe I can be a little honest and open here (that and probably no one will read this whiny tl;dr bullshit). I've been feeling really lifeless and shitty of late, and I'm starting to realize that it's a pervasive problem that has been affecting my life for a long time. I bounce around from feeling stuck, stagnant, worthless, guilty, panicky (in a sense of "Oh shit I'm not getting anything done, life is passing me by, etc.), empty, and even downright spiteful. It's not like I'm never happy, but when I'm alone or trying to work on something, it just creeps up on me and starts to drag me down.
Basically, these four things have been making my life a living hell for the past while. The worst thing, for me, is having to consider that I might not even have time to be a part of AIM this year. That honestly makes me want to fucking cry, and it's just because I have to waste my time on a whole lot of bullshit. Like, if there was a super important life event that was happening or something, that would be different, but it's just this menial slog through what feels like an infinite quantity of shit I have no desire to do. I took part in AIM last year and it was one of the greatest experiences I've had on this site. Now I'm feeling like I'll probably either enter something that's subpar and so far below my potential that it's nothing more than an embarrassment or just decide to delete what I have been working on.
I'm sorry to post something like this. I've always felt like I need to keep everything to myself, like it's my duty to protect the world from everything that's wrong with me. It's one of the underlying roots of many of the problems I have in life. So I'm writing this because I need to get this out there. Thanks for reading, if you did.
I feel bad.
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